BUS STORY # 271 (Melissa’s Bus Story # 1: “Wanna See My Hernia?”)

2000 MARYLAND, a photo by lindsaybridge on Flickr.

Recently, my brother’s two daughters spent a weekend with us here in Albuquerque. Among our adventures together was a trip to the New Mexico State Fair. And, as you might have guessed, we took the bus. In return, they shared some bus stories of their own with us. Here is the first of three. 

Melissa is on the Baltimore light rail on her way to the airport. 

The car she’s in is almost empty. There’s one other rider, an older guy, sitting on a side bench. And even though she’s reading a magazine, she knows this guy is looking at her. 

When he starts talking to her, she doesn’t hear what he is saying at first. Instead, she is thinking to herself, is he talking to me? Well, he must be, of course. There’s only the two of us in the car here. Who else would he be talking to? 

He could be talking to himself, of course. But she already knows he’s been looking at her. And so she knows he isn’t talking to himself, he’s talking to her, even though she’s not looking at him, and is instead continuing to look at her magazine which is universal sign language for “I’m not interested in talking to you.” 

Either he doesn’t understand universal sign language, or else he subscribes to the American dispensation that signs are for everyone else. 

Melissa begins hearing what he is saying when she hears “hernia” and “Johns Hopkins” and “lawsuit.” 

Specifically, she hears him when he asks her if she wants to see his hernia. 

She declines. 

He goes on to explain how Johns Hopkins really messed him up, and how he called Johnny Cochran and told him he had to get them to straighten things out. 

The next thing he knows, he wakes up in the Presidential Suite -- “You know, where they put the President when he’s in town.” 

He explains he filed a suit and won, and he’ll be picking up his check tomorrow. That’s why he’s on the light rail today. 

Later on, he tells Melissa he’s got five cars: an Avalanche, a Hummer, and three other cars Melissa doesn’t remember. Melissa doesn’t ask him how he’s managed to accumulate five cars before the check has come in. 

When they get to the airport, he offers to help her with her bag. 

She insists she’ll be just fine, thank you. He needs to take care of that hernia.

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 The photo at the top of this story is “2000 MARYLAND,” © All Rights Reserved, and is posted with the kind permission of lindsaybridge You can see this and all lindsaybridge’s photos on Flickr at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/intervene/5705146033/